The Function of Complaining, Responses, & How to Break the Habit
Complaining Defined: Complaining is NOT bringing attention to a problem. It has a “how dare you” quality to it, takes things personally. It is an end unto itself and does not seek a solution.
A Constructive Alternative: Start with “You may not be aware of [problem]”, present constructive angle – how to solve, next steps, etc.
A Complaint-Free World – Will Bowen
The 5 Functions of Complaining and How to Respond
Ask – “what is the function of the behavior?” That determines the most effective response.
- Get Attention/ Social Interaction
Response: “What’s going well?” Redirect to a positive social interaction. - Remove Responsibility/ Avoid Work
Response: “If it were possible, how would you do it?” - Inspire Envy/ Brag
Response: Complement the opposite (e.g. they complain about another person, compliment how they do the opposite of that behavior) - Power/ Get You On Their Side
Response: Refuse to get involved. Listen, stay neutral, direct them to actually confront the other person. - Excuse Poor Performance/ Rationalize Failure
Response: “How do you plan to improve next time?” (avoid over-analyzing what went wrong)
Changing Your Own Habits
Goal: Go 21 consecutive days with no complaining (written or verbal). Break the habit. This usually takes 4-8 months to achieve, because it’s an unconscious behavior at first. Many people go a week before even getting two consecutive days – just keep at it.
How to Achieve: Wear “No complaining” wristband. Move it to the other wrist every time you complain (verbally or in writing). Work towards going 21 consecutive days without moving it.
The Progress of Learning/Developing New Skill
- Unconscious Incompetent– You don’t even know you’re bad at something / aren’t aware of the behavior.
- Conscious Incompetent– You know you’re bad at it / are aware of the behavior, but haven’t corrected it yet.
- Conscious Competent– You are aware of the behavior, have gained the knowledge/skill, and are determined to succeed. Requires conscious effort.
- Unconscious Competent– No longer need to think about it to succeed, is a natural skill/habit.